where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my mouth tastes like poor choices
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When are your genitals available?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize