do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.