My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
