i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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