Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
