I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
