Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize