I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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