Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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