I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
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Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
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She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.