never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you