So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to