Don't make out with my wife yet
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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