I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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