shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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