dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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