i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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