i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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