ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
