Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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