he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain