You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize