Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
