Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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