dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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