i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
