Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
