True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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