I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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