Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
