Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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