Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
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If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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