the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.