you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful