Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.