It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
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He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
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The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level