he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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