One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon