Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.