I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?