So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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