Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize