and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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