What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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