when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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