i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass