ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
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Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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