he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
