I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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