I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
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I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you never un-have a 4some
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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