Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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