I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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