When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
