I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
