the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done