i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.