Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.